puke

If you read the post below you'll notice that I was yammering on about not being worried about a bunch of things, and how my only concern about starting my new life overseas is that I'll constantly smell of browning meat.

Well, the calm that was settled over me as I wrote that post has long since gone and I'm deep in panic mode now. My visa arrived in the mail on Friday so that's one thing off my plate, but other than being free to enter and leave the UK as I please nothing has happened to ease my mind about any of the other stuff I mentioned. Yes, I'm still worried about smelling like meat, as well as a myriad of other things.

I'm really scared, people. And the thing I'm most scared about is the thing I thought I was most sure about up until recently. What if - and brace yourself, as what I'm about to say is going to contradict pretty much everything I've said to you up until this point - WHAT IF I HATE BEING A LAWYER?

What if I spend a TON of money on a legal education only to discover that I can't stand practicing law? Or, even worse, what if I spend a ton of money on a legal education only to discover that I absolutely SUCK at practicing law? I hate being bad at things. Absolutely hate it. What if in two years I have to slink home to Canada with a massively expensive degree, no desire to use it and no idea how to use it properly? WHAT IF ALL THAT HAPPENS? THEN WHAT?!?

I did some number crunching today and I had to stop and put my head between my knees and just breathe, breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth so that I didn't vomit due to the sheer amount of debt I'm putting myself in. Up until this point all those figures and columns felt like play money, imaginary sums moved from column to column, and somehow I magically always had just enough cash on hand to buy those stupid boots or pair of jeans or whatever.

I have no idea how to budget, how to be a grownup, or how stretch a dollar. I'm a hopelessly spoiled and selfish kid and I'm terrified I'm going to show up in England, forget the pound translates to 2 dollars and end up buying ridiculous items from street vendors and Marks and Spencer until one day I wake up and realize that I don't have money to buy the tea that I'm sure to start drinking because I'm going to live in England, after all.

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not really into touching people, that hugs are reserved for special occasions or if I've been drinking a little, but believe me when I say right now that I need a hug.

I'm going to go talk myself down from this ledge.